Archive for the ‘Rants’ Category

A Song of Ice and Futility or the Nihilist’s Spoiler Guide to Game of Thrones

April 10th, 2015 No comments

I’m not the kind of person that jumps on the bandwagon very often, not because I consider myself a darling snowflake, but rather I can’t justify expending energy on something I don’t give a shit about just for the sake of being able to make small talk at dinner parties. That having been said, I don’t have a problem hopping on the bandwagon if it happens to be going my way because I’m lazy and I don’t like to walk. This is how I eventually came onboard with the whole Game of Thrones thing, but still refuse to watch Mad Men, because even if everyone I know tells me it’s the best show ever made, I just can’t compel myself to give a shit about ad people smoking cigarettes and listening to Percy Faith records or whatever the hell they do (I’m sure it’s probably more nuanced than that, but once again I just don’t care). Rant On!

On Garbage Chutes and My Personal Struggle to Prevent the Collapse of Civilization

March 6th, 2015 No comments


My building has a garbage chute on each floor, meaning that when I need to empty my trash, I can walk down the hall, pull open a small spring-loaded door, toss in my garbage, and be done with it. Now to clarify, the garbage chute isn’t really a “chute”, but rather it’s basically a small hole in the wall which opens into a large well which the trash falls through, collecting in the basement, presumably in some kind of dumpster or container for collection, but I’ve never been down there, so I can’t say for certain (for all I know, the super goes down to the basement every night, tosses a match into the pit and walks away). Rant On!


The Apple Watch and The Pointless March of Progress

September 12th, 2014 No comments


Not that it’s any particular surprise to anyone who knows me, but I didn’t watch, listen to, or otherwise actively pay attention to Apple’s much-anticipated new-product love-in on Tuesday. Not because I didn’t have a passing, if marginal, interest, but because, along with anyone else paying attention, I already knew goddamned-well what they were going to announce. The only real reason for watching was to hear Tim Cook describe how Apple’s Revitalizing Miracle Tonic would cure my rheumatism, dyspepsia and receding hair line and leave me with minty fresh breath. Rant On!

Facebook and Oculus: The Revolution will be Virtual!

April 11th, 2014 No comments

I’m no particular stranger to virtual reality, having grown up in the 80s and 90s when we had scores of shitty television shows and movies promising a future in which strapping an oversized pair of bionic ski-goggles to our heads would either deliver us into a holodeck-worthy simulation of reality or allow us to somehow surf the internet by flying through a Tron-esque world of floating circuit boards and blinking lights. My own personal fascination with so-called virtual reality culminated in staring at a little red Mario playing tennis for about thirty seconds, after which I decided that I’d had quite enough of the whole affair. Rant On!

2013: The Year in Review

December 31st, 2013 No comments

I was fairly intent on the world ending in 2012, as promised by the ultimately unreliable Mayans, but as that didn’t come to pass, I was a bit ill-prepared for 2013. Nonetheless, the year came and went and I dealt with it as best I could. Rather than a lengthy critical analysis of the year past, I’ve captured the highlights of the year which I believe speak for themselves: Rant On!

Bitcoins, Litecoins and Other Fairytales from the Digital Enchanted Kingdom

December 13th, 2013 No comments


Before it became a “thing”, or rather, before I wanted to slit my wrists solely to avoid hearing or reading another story proclaiming it “the next big thing”, I considered buying some bitcoins. Being pragmatic, I took the concept of “virtual” currency at face value, and firstly decided to see if there was anything I would actually do with them. While bitcoin evangelists would be quick to point to the “thousands” of online sites that accept bitcoin as payment, that list largely reads like some unholy fusion of a flea market and a back-alley in Bangkok. And since I didn’t have any pressing need to purchase guns or drugs, gamble or launder money at the time, I decided there was no point and therefore no pressing need to possess any bitcoins. This was also at a time when they were worth relatively little, and I didn’t see any point in purchasing them as an investment or store of value, because that would have been like putting all of my money into Shakey’s Pizza gaming tokens or buying shares of Twitter. Rant On!

On Hot Coffee and Cool Pragmatism

November 17th, 2013 No comments

I don’t drink coffee. My earliest distinct memory of encountering coffee was going to what passed for the local coffee shop with my dad when I was a kid. I don’t remember how old I was, but young enough that my life at that point is largely composed of the indistinct haze of early childhood memories where everything swirls together apart from a few events of apparent significance that remain distinctly in-focus. I suppose this would be one of those. My dad would sit around with his friends, discussing grown-up things that held no appeal for me, while I wandered about, trying my best to entertain myself as children of that age are wont to do, which basically meant picking up and screwing around with anything that wasn’t nailed down until either I broke it or a grown-up would tell me to “put that down”. Rant On!


Star Trek: The ADHD Generation

May 13th, 2013 No comments


I’m not a Trekkie, or at least I don’t think I am. Aside from the movies, as a kid I regularly consumed reruns of The Original Series, as well as The Animated Series (which was, in many ways equal, if not even superior, to TOS). I was equally devoted to The Next Generation, even through the first few seasons, when (as memory serves) the most harrowing crisis experienced aboard the Enterprise-D was Troi’s mother having a bad hair day. Even though I know it eventually redeemed itself, I didn’t have the same patience with DS9 and lost interest after a sporadic handful of first-season episodes which seemed to primarily consist of Kira endlessly whining about how the Cardassians were being mean to her and Odo giving everyone on the station the stink-eye (although I’ve been meaning to eventually go back and pick it up from the start of The Dominion War). I similarly gave up on Voyager at the end of the first season, when I realized that I would be rather content to leave the Voyager crew to die a cold, ignominious death in the Delta Quadrant (with the exception of Neelix, for whom death would have been too kind a fate), and after a few odd episodes of Enterprise, I realized that I was done with the franchise (for the time-being). So while I don’t consider myself an expert on the Star Trek universe in its entirety, I consider myself qualified enough to offer an authoritative criticism concerning the Enterprise and crew from the 23rd through the 24th century. Rant On!

On J.J. Abrams and the Fallacy of the Geek Idol

May 3rd, 2013 No comments

Having previously examined (i.e., bitched about) the rise of geek culture within the realm of popular media (and not having completely exhausted the reservoir of bile I had accumulated in the process), I’ll resume my examination with a critical evaluation (i.e., evisceration) of some of the prominent contemporary icons of the genre, through which I’ll induct a new honoree onto the hallowed scrolls of The Shit List. Endemic to the rise of the popular geek culture is the rise of the so-called “Geek Idol”, which is not to say that icons of the culture haven’t always been exalted for their various contributions, but the mainstream popularity of (and corresponding revenue generated by) geek entertainment has amplified this phenomenon to grant individuals powers over the genre which are, in some cases, in dangerous proportion to their actual talent or credibility. Rant On!

On Geek Chic and the Fallacy of Pop Burgers

May 2nd, 2013 No comments

I’ve never had much use for labels, which is to say that I generally disapprove of them, and, as with most things that I generally disapprove of, I probably use them just as much as anyone else, but in my defense,  I’m lazy and I find labels a convenient way to criticize so long as I feel that the label covers at least half or better of the list of grievances I would have otherwise had to detail, and, inasmuch as I have a tendency to be long-winded, they help mollify that to a certain extent, although likely never so much that I would ever be considered succinct or even, I suppose, fashionably clever, since it seems that by contemporary standards, it’s not enough to be clever on any terms, but to do so in short bursts, which has consistently proven to be persistently beyond my grasp. So in the interests of being succinct (sic), I’ll just say that I consider labels the same as bicycles; I don’t particularly like them, but they have their uses (my grievances with bicycles will have to wait for another day). Rant On!