May 2, 2014: The Week in Review

May has arrived and in a few short days, millions of assholes will think themselves quite clever by posting “May the Fourth be with you” to Facebook and Twitter. But in the meantime, here are a few choice items that forced themselves into my consciousness this week:

  • The Android service Google Now was updated this week to include the ability to automatically determine when you’ve parked your car and remember your parking location. A lesser-publicized addendum to the Google Now Terms and Conditions notes that Google reserves the right to sell your parking location to the assholes who stuff flyers under your windshield wipers while you’re away from your car.
  • Online services and content provider AOL reminded everyone that it still existed when it announced that its email service had been hacked and at least two percent of its accounts had been compromised. An AOL representative downplayed the incident: “We expect the actual impact of the security breach to be quite low, since most of our email accounts are just dummy accounts that people use to fill out online forms.”
  • L.A. Clippers owner and senile old fart Donald Sterling was handed a lifetime ban by the NBA after his ex-girlfriend courtesan released an audio recording in which Sterling chastises her for publicly associating with African-Americans. In the recording, Sterling went on to complain about how back in his day, he could get a slice of apple pie and a cup of coffee for five cents, accused the Hispanic family down the street of stealing his newspaper every morning, and suspected his “girlfriend” of having carried on an affair with the Nigerian prince he kept getting emails from in his AOL account.
  • Celebrated playboy and self-appointed moral authority and champion of truth and justice Bruce Wayne George Clooney ended his legendary and long-standing bachelorhood by announcing his engagement to high-profile attorney Amal Alamuddin. The newly-engaged couple look forward to many happy years of self-promotion masquerading as philanthropy.
  • Sarah Palin said something incredibly stupid and for some reason, people were shocked.
  • Toronto Mayor and fun-guy-at-parties Rob Ford announced that he was taking a break from his re-election campaign to seek help for his substance abuse problems. In an interview following the announcement, Ford’s mother said she didn’t know her son’s substance abuse was that bad until he announced he was getting help. Shortly afterwards, she returned to the remote log cabin in the Canadian wilderness in which she’s been residing for the past year.
  • The FCC recently came under fire after a proposal was leaked in which the agency would allow internet providers to charge content providers for preferential treatment, creating a sanctioned internet “fast line” and ultimately giving internet providers additional leverage with which to shake down content providers and further gouge customers. FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler briefly pulled the cable/telecom lobby’s dick from his mouth to address the controversy: “We here at the FCC believe our first priority is in safeguarding the rights of the American citizens who are affected by these policies, and we believe there is none more sacred or inviolate than the long-standing right of every American to be thoroughly fucked by their internet provider.”
  • A recent study examining the declining rate of American teens with summer jobs concluded that a major contributor to the decrease was a steady rise in the number of teenagers who don’t want a job. In related news, some media outlets considered this to be news.
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