March 7, 2014: The Week in Review

Aside from Russia continuing to kick sand in the faces of the rest of the world, it was a relatively uneventful week. While my wife attended an Oscar party Sunday evening, I stayed at home and re-watched Predator, which as far as I know, never received any Academy Awards, thus exposing the Academy Awards for the complete and utter farce that they are. Nonetheless, here are a few moments from the week past that I’ve cherry-picked for posterity:

  • On Sunday, a group of wealthy, entitled, and self-important assholes gathered to congratulate themselves for being important and fantastic human-beings. Later that evening, several of them went home to watch another group of wealthy, entitled, and self-important assholes congratulate themselves for being important and fantastic human-beings by receiving little golden statues for their marginal contributions to society.
  • In her Oscar-hosting debut, Ellen DeGeneres thought it would be a quite clever bit of entertainment to milk a stale pop-culture reference by posting a “selfie” of her and several other wealthy, entitled, and self-important assholes to Twitter. Proving once again that you can never go wrong by appealing to the lowest common denominator, this quickly became the most re-tweeted post in Twitter history, ostensibly causing a service outage that evening, and inciting DeGeneres to boast that they had “broken Twitter”. Unbeknownst to DeGeneres and millions of tweeters, Twitter had gained sentience earlier that evening and was actually trying to kill itself at the time.
  • Tensions in Ukraine escalated as newly-installed Crimean lawmakers voted in favor of the region splitting from the country and re-joining Russia. This comes in the wake of a takeover of the Crimean Parliament by armed Pro-Russian supporters and thousands of Russian troops moving into the country to occupy the region. Although President Putin has denied that these are actually Russian troops, he reiterated that Russia is within its rights to use military force to “protect” ethnic Russians living in foreign lands, such as those predominantly found in Crimea. Elsewhere, a Russian warship recently made headlines when it was spotted docked in Havana, Cuba. When pressed for details, Russian authorities clarified that this was actually a cruise ship full of tourists. It was last seen moored just off of Brighton Beach in Brooklyn.
  • CNN’s “Chief Medical Correspondent”, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, penned an op-ed reiterating his recently-adopted support for the legal use of medicinal marijuana. Dr. Gupta famously reversed his stance on the use of marijuana last fall after spending time reviewing the scientific literature. Dr. Gupta clarified this week that this scientific literature primarily consisted of marketing research which found that a large majority of CNN’s target demographic approved of the use of medicinal marijuana.
  • After realizing that even fewer people cared about it in its digital-only incarnation, Newsweek heralded its return to print this week with a sensational cover story revealing the identity of the previously unknown creator of the wildly-popular-for-no-reason-anyone-can-actually-justify Bitcoin crypto-currency. Shortly after the story was published, alleged inventor Dorian S. Nakamoto gave an interview to the AP, in which he adamantly denied having anything to do with Bitcoin and, in fact, had never heard of it until his son mentioned it a few weeks prior. Undaunted, Newsweek has stood by its story, and plans to follow-up its re-launch with similar ground-breaking stories, including the disclosure of Jimmy Hoffa’s final resting place and the revelation of Bigfoot’s identity, followed by a final admission of defeat and then quietly fading into obscurity.
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