Star Trek: The ADHD Generation

May 13th, 2013 No comments

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I’m not a Trekkie, or at least I don’t think I am. Aside from the movies, as a kid I regularly consumed reruns of The Original Series, as well as The Animated Series (which was, in many ways equal, if not even superior, to TOS). I was equally devoted to The Next Generation, even through the first few seasons, when (as memory serves) the most harrowing crisis experienced aboard the Enterprise-D was Troi’s mother having a bad hair day. Even though I know it eventually redeemed itself, I didn’t have the same patience with DS9 and lost interest after a sporadic handful of first-season episodes which seemed to primarily consist of Kira endlessly whining about how the Cardassians were being mean to her and Odo giving everyone on the station the stink-eye (although I’ve been meaning to eventually go back and pick it up from the start of The Dominion War). I similarly gave up on Voyager at the end of the first season, when I realized that I would be rather content to leave the Voyager crew to die a cold, ignominious death in the Delta Quadrant (with the exception of Neelix, for whom death would have been too kind a fate), and after a few odd episodes of Enterprise, I realized that I was done with the franchise (for the time-being). So while I don’t consider myself an expert on the Star Trek universe in its entirety, I consider myself qualified enough to offer an authoritative criticism concerning the Enterprise and crew from the 23rd through the 24th century. Rant On!

On J.J. Abrams and the Fallacy of the Geek Idol

May 3rd, 2013 No comments

Having previously examined (i.e., bitched about) the rise of geek culture within the realm of popular media (and not having completely exhausted the reservoir of bile I had accumulated in the process), I’ll resume my examination with a critical evaluation (i.e., evisceration) of some of the prominent contemporary icons of the genre, through which I’ll induct a new honoree onto the hallowed scrolls of The Shit List. Endemic to the rise of the popular geek culture is the rise of the so-called “Geek Idol”, which is not to say that icons of the culture haven’t always been exalted for their various contributions, but the mainstream popularity of (and corresponding revenue generated by) geek entertainment has amplified this phenomenon to grant individuals powers over the genre which are, in some cases, in dangerous proportion to their actual talent or credibility. Rant On!

On Geek Chic and the Fallacy of Pop Burgers

May 2nd, 2013 No comments

I’ve never had much use for labels, which is to say that I generally disapprove of them, and, as with most things that I generally disapprove of, I probably use them just as much as anyone else, but in my defense,  I’m lazy and I find labels a convenient way to criticize so long as I feel that the label covers at least half or better of the list of grievances I would have otherwise had to detail, and, inasmuch as I have a tendency to be long-winded, they help mollify that to a certain extent, although likely never so much that I would ever be considered succinct or even, I suppose, fashionably clever, since it seems that by contemporary standards, it’s not enough to be clever on any terms, but to do so in short bursts, which has consistently proven to be persistently beyond my grasp. So in the interests of being succinct (sic), I’ll just say that I consider labels the same as bicycles; I don’t particularly like them, but they have their uses (my grievances with bicycles will have to wait for another day). Rant On!

Entrepreneurs: The Post-Modern Philanthropists

September 9th, 2012 No comments

Next up on The Shit List:  anyone who describes themselves as an “entrepreneur”.  Now, to be clear, I’m not referring to actual entrepreneurs, being someone who has actually owned and operated a real business, nor anyone who describes themselves as “entrepreneurial,” which is basically something that corporate sycophants put on their resumes (typically phrased as “an entrepreneurial spirit”) to demonstrate their ability to “think outside of the box” (provided they didn’t leave their book of horseshit, fashionable catchphrases in the box). Rant On!

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A Belated Introduction and All-Important Disclaimer

August 18th, 2012 No comments

After just over a year of obstinate procrastination, I’ve finally gotten around to updating my About page, which contains critical information, not only in laying out this site’s “mission statement”, but more importantly, providing much-needed qualifying criteria for reading and/or enjoying any of the content posted herein.  If at any point, you’ve ever finished any of these posts with either a vague or distinct feeling of confusion or indignation, then please read this before going any further.  Hopefully, this will help you sort out whether you should press on or not.  Cheers.

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London 2012 and the XXX Olympics: Not Remotely as Interesting as it Sounds

August 4th, 2012 2 comments

In just over a week, the vast majority of the world will return to its status quo state of not giving a shit about swimming or gymnastics, but until then, there’s seemingly little reprieve from the constant onslaught of propaganda goading me into joining some allegedly magical, transcendental global communion or convincing me that Coca-Cola and McDonald’s manufacture and distribution of consumer-grade poison should somehow be synonymized with athletic excellence.  The closest I ever got to taking an interest in the Olympics was when I played Track & Field on my NES as child, which I quickly abandoned when the novelty of seeing how quickly I could hit my “A” button wore pretty goddamned thin after about 2 minutes. Rant On!

(Wo)Man Up!: Take it as it is or don’t take it at all

June 8th, 2012 No comments

Some things just shouldn’t be fucked with. But some people just can’t leave well enough alone and have to proceed to put “their spin” on something until they end up with a New & Improved bullshit version of a product that had no need of becoming either. Any of my closest friends, all two of them, will tell you that I am a fan of ingenuity and invention, but only when it’s needed, not in the name of tailoring a product to every Tom, Dick, and dumbshit Harry. Normally, I try to reserve criticism of anything that doesn’t directly affect me, not because I want to present an aire of tolerance, but typically because I’m too lazy to argue about something I could give two shits about. However, on a recent trip to my local Fine Spirit Emporium (aka the liquor store), I was shocked speechless for the better part of five minutes when I encountered a travesty in the whiskey isle. I speak, of course, of Jack Daniel’s Honey. Rant On!

Bountygate & Big Brother: Thuggery and Overstepping at Their Finest

April 5th, 2012 No comments

Have you ever had a random stranger tell you how to do your job? Do you remember that sting of disapproval that made you want to take a rusty knife to their face and carve off that shit-eating grin when they said, “May I?” That has got to be what professional sports leagues feel when the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform walks up twirling their “Look at me, I’m important!” fringed batons. How else are you supposed to feel when some entitled prick screams something to the effect of “You’re doing it wrong!” on a national stage? The Committee’s recent announcement that they will investigate the NFL’s ‘bountygate’ is just another example of their overstepping (The poorly photoshopped chap in the picture above is Rep. Darrell E. Issa, committee chairman – RP). In this instance, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell should do what MLB Commissioner Bud Selig didn’t do when the committee launched their investigation into MLB players’ steroid use: tell the committee to fuck off and go get an ice cream cone. Rant On!

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Google Play and the Fall of Civilization

March 20th, 2012 No comments

This weekend, I spent the better part of half an hour combing through my phone trying to find the fucking Android Market to download an app, and no, it wasn’t a literal 30 minutes, just like it wasn’t a literal lifetime that I spent waiting in the men’s department of some boutique in Soho (the men’s department being a lonely corner by the front door where likeminded men loiter while they dutifully await their significant others) for my girlfriend to find some ostensibly vital accessory, but it certainly felt like a fucking lifetime.  And so, after a metaphorical half-hour, it finally dawned on me that at some point in the preceding days, my Google Market app had been surreptitiously replaced by something called the Google Play Store. Rant On!

My Dog Ran Off With My Wife: A Country Music Elegy

March 2nd, 2012 3 comments

I hate country music.  To be fair, I should say that my dislike of the genre is not unqualified, but since the advent of soundbites and their written equivalent (I’m sure there’s a word for it, but I’m not bothering to look it up), anyone with an agenda typically won’t bother to properly contextualize a quote if the abbreviated version better serves their purposes (thus, anyone looking to sully my already-questionable reputation with the country music scene won’t bother quoting me past the first line of the paragraph), and anyone hearing or reading said quote will likely not bother looking for context anyway, so why fucking bother with qualifications. Rant On!

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